Ashtanga Authorization

I remember the last time I went to Mysore, India.
My third series practice was so strong, solid, and clean.
I knew this was the year I’d get authorized.

But something in me changed.

A couple of weeks in, I started skipping practice.
And going to temple.
I would sit in satsang and listen to him speak
Wherever he was speaking from
I wanted to access within myself

I started arriving to discourse/ satsang hours before it would begin
Just to feel my body settle into this resonance
Like it was the most natural thing in the world

The songs were my favorite
I wasn’t always sure what they were saying but I felt a deep reverence right away

I could tell old layers of grief were being dislodged from my being
I sensed something deep within me was being radically transformed
And I welcomed it with open arms

Then she started playing her harmonium and singing

I cried and cried

Tears for all the old hurts
The new hurts
And everything that is not mine to carry
And never was

I felt her right away
I knew this is a woman I want to learn from
This is a woman who has processed her grief

and is singing exactly from the place most won’t visit: her wound

as well as her love for the mystery of it all

Her voice was channeling something totally potent for me

Coherence
Power
Fortitude

And so I sat and learned from her as much as I could

I didn’t end up accepting authorization

This practice stays with me

I’m so in love with all of it