Embodiment, Trauma, and Personal Evolution

I started practicing in 2007
After the shootings at Tech
I had stopped speaking and making eye contact

Everything and everyone pissed me off
I was irritable
Felt an overwhelming amount of rage,
Abandoned by god
And a deep grief i had yet to identify

I hated sitting in group therapy and listening to others’ experience of it
I didn’t give a fck what was unraveling for anyone
And didn’t hide it

The coach removed me from the group
and started working independently with me

6 weeks passed with no real transformation
nor appropriate affect in response to his questions
I have no idea how he kept his morale
But we kept meeting
Something in me
Had committed
And once i commit
I follow through no matter what

I remember the day I started speaking
It was week 6 of Mindfulness Based Somatic Therapy
He had me leave his office and take my shoes off
I was to stand barefoot in the drillfield
(The memorial for those who were murdered)
And take one step
In any direction

Easy enough

I left
I took my shoes off and stood there
I couldn’t move

My body and nervous system were in a hyperaroused freeze state
I wanted to move but i couldn’t move

I felt everything all at once
All the confusion
Grief
And resentment
That was way beyond this one shooting

I couldn't leave

I felt young parts of me break
Old assumptions shatter
And ideas about how the world is supposed to be dissolve
I wept for a long time
Feeling like a failure for so many things beyond my control

After “failing” at my one task,
I stepped to return to his office

It had just rained and I felt the cool moisture of newly cut grass underneath me
It was warmly soothing
I felt the pulse in my feet
The movement in my legs
And a stillness in my being
That i hadn’t experienced in a long time

I felt alive for a moment in time

This is all i needed to propel me forward in my commitment to heal my body, breath, and energy flow from stored trauma and repressed memories

This commitment has never left me

I know I am here to guide others in this process of somatic healing
It is a responsibility i am honored to offer through the practice of self awareness, embodiment, contemplation, and soul deep critical thinking