Trauma Integration

I used to pride myself in having no memory. I still am able to erase entire chapters and relationships from my life at will. People/ friends/ family would ask about my past and I would say, “eh, I don’t remember much of it.” I felt strong and invincible.

Gradually, in 2014, I started deepening my practice (consistency, range, and approaches) and began experiencing major flashbacks that would leave me in a state of terror, panic, shame, rage, and helplessness for months at a time. I would see and re-experience everything that I had repressed. It was intense, primal, and disorienting. 

I remember the first time I told anyone about it. I chose to tell XX. And her response shook me and pushed me off the edge. When I told her, she said:

• What? No way! 

• Maybe he did X to them, but not Y to you. I can’t believe that. Are you sure?

• Do you know how that makes me feel as your XX?

• Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

• I told you the person who did that to you was not a good person...

I hung up and recoiled for months at a time. How could XX make this about her? How are we as a society re-traumatizing loved ones? Our shit communication skills, lack of connection, or willingness to sit with discomfort is a major hindrance to our personal and collective evolution. I’ve noticed this transcends culture, political affiliation, gender, age, education, socioeconomic status. Most people have NO idea how to sit with, process, and heal difficulty.

Including 2014 me…

This experience was another major catalyst to my personal evolution and clear FLIGHT response that followed. 

I felt empty, alone, and angry at the world.

I bought a one way ticket, sold all of my belongings, turned my phone off, and left the country with no intention/ plan to return. There was no way I could process, alchemize, come to terms with my experiences with such shit as “support.” 

I needed to go somewhere where no one knew me and I would answer to no one. It was quite the trip: I would walk around villages in India and just cry in the middle of the street, I’d smoke charas with babas and sit with the suffering, I lived in a Buddhist refugee camp for several weeks and was so permeable, I would sob taking in the conditions of their life, at times my pain felt normalized here.

I took a break in Sweden and my rage and delinquency at “authority” got me detained in a Swedish border patrol station and, 2 days later, the emergency room. After emergency surgery, I boarded a flight (stitches, antibiotics, pain killers, and journal in hand) and landed in the mountains of Portugal. Where I laid in silence, vehemence, and a bit less resistance. When my time there expired, I posted up in the Algarve coast and felt I could stay here forever. Something about the process and exposure soothed me and culminated in Portugal. It was a visceral calm knowing. 

I started making moves to return to the states, but first, a nudist friend in Spain offered to host me off grid for a bit and I spent some weeks there. Eradicating shame out of my body and living out a very different life than I am here to live. It was short lived and transformational. I am grateful. 

I finally returned to the states a hot mess, with my red dreadlocks, half of my head shaved, several new piercings, all of my clothes and colors from other continents, mismatched shoes, a much larger vocabulary and emotional range, self compassion, and an integration I had no idea was possible. 

I acknowledge I was a totally different person when I returned. I know my wounds and my capacity to live in isolation for long periods of time gives me power, recharges me. 

I was revived and able to move through not just the constant re-experiencing, re-traumatizing, rage, and resentment (trauma awareness), but also embody a felt sense of ease, resilience, inner acceptance, and a very clear knowing that I can and will take care of myself to a level very few talk about (trauma integration). 

Something major dislodged in the process of allowing myself to roam alone, rage at “authority”, and still come out those experiences a bit more aware of my power. 

I had to move out of this nervous system response that left me feeling like prey my entire life. Little by little, I still am becoming more comfortable and agile with my nervous system: learning when and how to down regulate AS WELL as to build capacity for stronger and stronger emotions and experiences to course through when they need to.

There’s a lot more to this, of course, and this is what I am slowly teaching and sharing in person, and specifically for Omstars in November. I will love to have you join us as I teach about the nervous system, ways to be receptive, down regulate, and build capacity in safe and life affirming ways.